i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
