I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
