I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
