I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
