any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
