I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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