I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
