Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
