my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
