I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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