I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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