he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
