What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
