found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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