This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
