You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just invented taco cereal.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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