my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
