You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize