if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
