tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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