Are we in a gay sports bar?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize