took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
