I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
