Can i not drive my cunt home
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
