Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize