I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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