I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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