Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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