My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
