It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
