You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
