When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
