What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Randomize
