oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
