I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
