You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
