Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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