So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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