You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
