I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
