The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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