so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
