I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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