Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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