Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
