you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
