Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
