just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My bed smells like the plague
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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