you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
