She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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