it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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