The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
