Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
