If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
