So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
