I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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