i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
