I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
