I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
