at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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