I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
